Santa noted on his "see-all-and-know-all" computer (you did realize that was how Santa manages it, right?) that you moved to DC this past year. Santa knows that with your impulsive nature, youre probably not quite prepared to deal with the "movers-and-shakers" in your new home. So, Santa has decided to help you fit into your new surroundings.
First of all, you need to fit in with all the DARPA bigwigs. So, in order to do this, you need to "seem to be important" as thats their primary job skill. And whats the best way to do this?
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Thats right, you use this handy-dandy pager to pretend to get pages in meetings. You can act as agitated, as you want, and if the meeting is boring, you can also rush out as if youve got to deal with an urgent request.
Now, how do you deal with the Jim Kelly type people. You know the ones, thats right, the pain in the ass folks? Well this second gift will help you end all future irritation (see box).
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To get ahead in your new community, youre, well ..going to have to kiss butt. There is a right way to do this, and a wrong way. Let Santa explain how to do it the right way.
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First, you have to prepare the surface. It must be sterile and clean.
Use one of these for each kiss.
Next, you have to cover the evidence.
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Be sure to apply liberally to cover the embarrassing brown.
Another thing youre going to have to do is be like the rest of the techno-nerd "we-can-build-you-any-thing" (but it will never work) types. And what better way than to emulate a master in the field, Eric Stephens. And what does every person who wants to emulate him need?
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Oh, and let us not forget the "little people". Youll soon be managing them. And what does every manager need to give to the little people? (its always the topic in all the "we did wonderful" mails that come out of the ISX-DC office )
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And lastly, Santa has decided to give you a gift, that, well, has no particular purpose, but Santa thinks youll just like it anyway. Perhaps it can help you relax and avoid any "Near-a" death experiences.
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Santa wishes you a Merry Christmas.