Ah, here it is, that Christmas time of year. As you know, I am in the midst of completing millions of PPASes (Performance and Presents Appraisal Spreadsheets) in order to determine my "naughty" and "nice" lists this year.

Not to worry! Your PPAS rating was quite high, and I'm sure the North Pole Executive Penguin Board will approve you for all those nifty presents come Christmas. Rest assured that at least someone's tree will be full this year.

This, alas, is more than I can say for those lower coworkers you are forced to live with. I swear, I have never seen such whining, pathetic little creatures in my life! All they do is whine, whine, whine, day in and day out, about trivial little matters.

"Oh, look, vanb's voice on the phone is drowning out the jets again," they'll snivel from their offices. Or worse yet: "We can't even hear ourselves think!" As if they could in the first place, right? I would think that they might welcome the chance to be exposed to the great intellect of one such as yourself, but no, they just whine and moan about little things like "peace" and "quiet".

Unfortunately, as you discover in life, great people such as ourselves often have to put up with the annoyances of the little people. Santa is here to help!

Though you are of course in no way at fault in the situation here, I thought a little help might be in order, just to save you from having to listen to those loser whiners. My elves have cleverly constructed a device in the back office, for your own use while on the phone. I hope this is of use to you. Please go there now to look.

Your Secret Santa