Well, what can I say? It's been quite a year, and frankly, your Secret Santa was literally overwhelmed at the thought of what to get you. I’m sure others can sympathize with this challenging dilemma. But after a bit of thought it was suddenly obvious, so congratulations! You have been promoted to the rank of Epitomy of Man! (Creative spelling instituted as of last year’s award.)

All of Santa’s records (which, I should mention, are maintained with the very same software that your company uses internally) indicate that this is the first time ever you have received this prestigious "Epitomy of Man" title. A few of my elves have assembled several small gifts in your honor. Read the numbered entry before opening the corresponding package.

  1. Above all, the Epitomy of Man must look stylish. And that look, of course, starts with the hair. Package #1 has a wide variety of hair care products for your use. [Poster Paints]
  2. Beyond the hair, though, is the total image — and in this day and age that includes the vehicle one drives. Santa was somewhat saddened to learn that yours unfortunately lacks the necessary "Ram Air" ingredient, along with several other stylish accessories. Santa to the rescue with package #2! [Toy Megaphone (fake Ram-Air), Children's Racing set]
  3. Though Santa knows that you’re now as good as married, there are followers of yours who aren’t so lucky as to have found an Alabama woman with not one, but two small children. For them, perhaps you could recommend the services of what’s inside package #3? [Baldur's Gate Dating Service, The Sims Dating Service]
  4. And then the final reward: a handsomely decorated t-shirt to commemorate this honor. Santa does apologize for the slight mishap at the printers — the letters are all there but got slightly mixed. Remember, though, it’s the thought that counts. Open package #4. ["O Pity Me of Man" T-shirt]

So enjoy, and Merry Christmas!


Your Secret Santa