Merry Xmas, Doug,

Santa's been keeping a close eye on you. You've been a bad boy at times this year, especially when yelling at poor handicapped (read: mentally-impaired) souls in traffic (especially on dark Saturday nights lost in Atlanta because of bad directions). Instead of coal, I'd put cotton in your stocking, however, this year, I wanted to do something different for you.

[open gift #1 (Atlas)]

Earlier in the year, everyone was talking about this mysterious foosball table in Alabama. Supposedly, you and Jimmie were going to drive there to pick it up, sight unseen. Poor Doug didn't even think about getting it from a company that sells them, heaven forbid in the same state (or even area code), that you decided t contact a strange backwoods person from our step-cousins next door, Alabama. You never made it, so whenever you’re off on another multi-state escapade to buy some other mythical thing, don’t forget this handy U.S. pocket road atlas.

You know, Doug, you sounded so interested in that foosball table, a special something that’s right up your alley.

[open gift2 (disk, with sales pitch for the Brooklyn Bridge)]

<laughter>HO! HO! HO!</laughter> You'd buy anything, you know that? I know that from watching your transactions on ebay.

[open gift #3 (Ebay page, showing Doug bought an empty box)]

Your very own Xbox box. Even cost more than the system itself. You're a very shrewd shopper, Doug!

[open gift #4 (mini Foosball table)]

And finally Doug, since Jack beat you and Jimmie around in foosball when he visited, I thought you could use some practice. Jack benefits from having their table right in front of his office, but you don't have that luxury. It takes a lot to get a big boy like you to move all the way down the hall. It wears you out so much, you easily lose.

So, here's a mini foosball table so you can practice on your own end of the office.

Santa.

P.S. Sorry about the cotton. Couldn’t resist.