Hello, Sherry. This is Santa. I’ve been watching you through the year, and I’ve come to one conclusion: You are stressed. You may try to hide it, but Santa can see – in your actions, your manner, your conversations, even in your political discourse. Santa wants to help – but how? Perhaps what you need is a new philosophy.

[Book: “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Understanding Islam”, Book: “The Koran”]



If you’re going to pursue the path of true Islam, then you’ll need a prayer rug. True to Islamic tradition, this one is decorated with meaningless symbols.

[Prayer rug: a pillow case decorated with ETC spreadsheets]



You’ll need to know which way to face – Santa will let you choose your city.

[Compass, Compass rose with points N, S, Mecca, Camarillo]



Proper attire is essential.

[ISX veil]

Note inside #4


Santa made an honest attempt to get for you an authentic Burqa. It didn’t arrive in time, and now Santa is probably on several government watchlists. You’ll have to make do with this fake veil, made from a pillow case.



Lastly, but perhaps most importantly, you’ll need a spiritual guide. Here is Santa’s choice. He practices ISXlam. May he lead you wisely and in peace, and away from stress.

[Picture of “Mullah Fouse”, Sign: “Welcome to ISXstan”]



Santa sincerely hopes that these gifts will start you on a spiritual journey. And remember, if you should lose your way along the path to enlightenment, you can always ask Lisa for directions.


Merry Christmas, Blessed Ramadan, and a safe, happy, prosperous and less stressful New Year.


Secret Santa