#1
Hello, Sherry. This is Santa. I’ve been
watching you through the year, and I’ve come to one conclusion: You are
stressed. You may try to hide it, but Santa can see – in your actions, your
manner, your conversations, even in your political discourse. Santa wants to
help – but how? Perhaps what you need is a new philosophy.
[Book: “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Understanding Islam”, Book: “The Koran”]
#2
If you’re going to pursue the path of true
Islam, then you’ll need a prayer rug. True to Islamic tradition, this one is
decorated with meaningless symbols.
[Prayer rug: a pillow case decorated with ETC spreadsheets]
#3
You’ll need to know which way to face – Santa
will let you choose your city.
[Compass, Compass rose with points N, S, Mecca, Camarillo]
#4
Proper attire is essential.
[ISX veil]
Note inside #4
Santa made an honest attempt to get for you
an authentic Burqa. It didn’t arrive in time, and now Santa is probably on
several government watchlists. You’ll have to make do with this fake veil, made
from a pillow case.
#5
Lastly, but perhaps most importantly, you’ll
need a spiritual guide. Here is Santa’s choice. He practices ISXlam. May he
lead you wisely and in peace, and away from stress.
[Picture of “Mullah Fouse”, Sign: “Welcome to ISXstan”]
Epilogue
Santa sincerely hopes that these gifts will
start you on a spiritual journey. And remember, if you should lose your way
along the path to enlightenment, you can always ask Lisa for directions.
Merry Christmas, Blessed Ramadan, and a safe,
happy, prosperous and less stressful New Year.
Secret Santa