Merry Christmas from yer Secret Santa
Merry Christmas Angelo,
Iíve been sitting here trying to think of what to get you for Christmas this year. In thinking back on all the events that have occurred over the past year I began to notice a trend. It seems you have a sister that causes some difficulties in your life. Having had a sister at one point myself I know your pain. I no longer have that problem, but you seem like you could use a little help. So, in thinking back to my own trials and tribulations in the sibling arena Iíve come up with a few items and ideas that I believe you will find useful.
Since I am Santa Claus I do have resources available to me that the ordinary person doesnít. I contacted Admiral Poindexter and tapped into the database that will eventually supply TIA with its data and Iíve discovered some areas where your sibling problems seem to cause you some real pain. Isnít technology wonderful? By reading all of your email and monitoring your bank records Iíve noticed that your sister seems to need you to drive her places on a regular basis. Well, Iím here to help. Open the present labeled C now [Toy Car]! Unfortunately SantaClaus.com has been hit hard by the .Com problems so I couldnít afford to get a real car. But this is almost as good. Next time your sister needs a ride, give her this present, it should be good for a laugh if nothing else.
If that doesnít provide you the relief that you need, I have some other things to help you out. My next present is good for all kinds of situations. Open the present labeled G now [Garlic]. Eeeewww, whatís that smell? Thatís right, its garlic. In the event that your sister turns out to be a vampire, this will definitely save your bacon (get it BACON! Ha ha ha) Even if she isnít an undead minion the smell should still be an effective deterrent. You can always put it in your car and make it a very unpleasant place to be. Granted that has some negative side effects, but no solution is perfect.
Moving onÖ Another approach to the problem is to make it difficult for her to find you, or at least recognize you. Open the present labeled D now [Make-up (disguise) kit]. Using this present you can hide your identity in order to make it hard for her to find you. She canít ask for rides and other such things if she canít find you. While I realize that make up might not seem like the best disguise for you, think again. During my research, TIA had some other data that made me think that you might appreciate something that made your appearance more feminine. Need I say more? I hope not.
I know that Santa Claus is supposed to be a role model for good, but Iíve had my weak moments. During my childhood I occasionally found myself in the position where retribution was required in order to restore the balance of power in the world. So, Iíve committed a few acts of revenge in my time and there are times when it is warranted. So my next gift runs along those lines, open the package labeled L now! [Laxative]Youíll notice that this laxative is shaped and flavored like chocolate. Iím not sure what the makers of this product were thinking, but I do believe that their motives were less than honorable.† But, thanks to their foresight we have an excellent tool available to us. Simply give your sister a few pieces of Santaís ďMagic ChocolateĒ and she will be too preoccupied to bother you with anything. If anything she will not want you anywhere near her for quite some time.
Next, another token that works in many situations. Donít be disturbed by its small size, this is a powerful item, that when used correctly can turn the tide in many confrontations. The item itself isnít the only thing necessary to employ this gift effectively. You need the right attitude. For that I suggest you watch some Jerry Springer and watch those crazy ladies that say things like ďTalk to the hand!Ē while wagging their heads in a circular motion. Thatís the attitude you need my friend. Open the present labeled Q now.[Quarter] Itís small so you may have to search in the bag for it. Thatís right, itís a common quarter. Next time your sister comes to you with her tales of woe and misfortune throw this at her and tell her to call someone that cares. If done with the correct attitude the stunning effect of this tactic will almost certainly give you the time you need to run away and extract yourself from a sticky situation. Remember though, this will likely only work the first time it is employed, so use this power wisely my son!
Now we are down to the last, and this is for desperate measures. How you employ my final gift is up to you. It seems that one of you co-workers once talked about super sub-normals and so forth. I also believe that there was some discussion about decreasing the surface population. While Santa obviously canít officially support that position, let us just say that I am not completely against such thoughts. After all, there is no Christmas in Iraq, no matter how bad Cartman wants it. This next present is a gift for last resorts; its effects tend to be quite permanent. Open the last present labeled N now. [Gun]There isnít much a handgun wonít solve. If things get too bad, and sometimes they do, you can implement this fine gift in one of two ways. The first method involves you pointing the hollow end at your sister while pulling the lever on the lower part of the life removing implement. The second method involves you pointing the hollow end at yourself while pulling the lever. Either way, your problem will be solved, and I am unofficially happy to have removed a super sub-normal from the gene pool.
Well Angelo, thatís all I have for you this year. Iím sure it beats just getting some bacon like you did last year, but what should a super sub-normal like you expect? I hope my gifts to you come in handy and that you can find a suitable use for them. Have a merry Christmas!