Merry Christmas from yer Secret Santa
Merry Christmas Angelo,
I’ve been sitting here trying to think of what to get you for Christmas this year. In thinking back on all the events that have occurred over the past year I began to notice a trend. It seems you have a sister that causes some difficulties in your life. Having had a sister at one point myself I know your pain. I no longer have that problem, but you seem like you could use a little help. So, in thinking back to my own trials and tribulations in the sibling arena I’ve come up with a few items and ideas that I believe you will find useful.
Since I am Santa Claus
I do have resources available to me that the ordinary person doesn’t. I
contacted Admiral Poindexter and tapped into the database that will eventually
supply TIA with its data and I’ve discovered some areas where your sibling
problems seem to cause you some real pain. Isn’t technology wonderful? By
reading all of your email and monitoring your bank records I’ve noticed that
your sister seems to need you to drive her places on a regular basis. Well, I’m
here to help. Open the present labeled C now [Toy Car]!
Unfortunately SantaClaus.com has been hit hard by the .Com problems so I
couldn’t afford to get a real car. But this is almost as good. Next time your
sister needs a ride, give her this present, it should be good for a laugh if
nothing else.
If that doesn’t provide
you the relief that you need, I have some other things to help you out. My next
present is good for all kinds of situations. Open the present labeled G
now [Garlic]. Eeeewww, what’s that smell? That’s
right, its garlic. In the event that your sister turns out to be a vampire,
this will definitely save your bacon (get it BACON! Ha ha ha) Even if she isn’t
an undead minion the smell should still be an effective deterrent. You can
always put it in your car and make it a very unpleasant place to be. Granted
that has some negative side effects, but no solution is perfect.
Moving on… Another
approach to the problem is to make it difficult for her to find you, or at
least recognize you. Open the present labeled D now [Make-up
(disguise) kit]. Using this present you can hide your identity
in order to make it hard for her to find you. She can’t ask for rides and other
such things if she can’t find you. While I realize that make up might not seem
like the best disguise for you, think again. During my research, TIA had some
other data that made me think that you might appreciate something that made
your appearance more feminine. Need I say more? I hope not.
I know that Santa Claus
is supposed to be a role model for good, but I’ve had my weak moments. During
my childhood I occasionally found myself in the position where retribution was
required in order to restore the balance of power in the world. So, I’ve
committed a few acts of revenge in my time and there are times when it is
warranted. So my next gift runs along those lines, open the package labeled L
now! [Laxative]You’ll notice that this laxative is shaped
and flavored like chocolate. I’m not sure what the makers of this product were
thinking, but I do believe that their motives were less than honorable. But, thanks to their foresight we have an
excellent tool available to us. Simply give your sister a few pieces of Santa’s
“Magic Chocolate” and she will be too preoccupied to bother you with anything.
If anything she will not want you anywhere near her for quite some time.
Next, another token
that works in many situations. Don’t be disturbed by its small size, this is a
powerful item, that when used correctly can turn the tide in many
confrontations. The item itself isn’t the only thing necessary to employ this
gift effectively. You need the right attitude. For that I suggest you watch
some Jerry Springer and watch those crazy ladies that say things like “Talk to
the hand!” while wagging their heads in a circular motion. That’s the attitude
you need my friend. Open the present labeled Q
now.[Quarter] It’s small so you may have to search in
the bag for it. That’s right, it’s a common quarter. Next time your sister
comes to you with her tales of woe and misfortune throw this at her and tell
her to call someone that cares. If done with the correct attitude the stunning
effect of this tactic will almost certainly give you the time you need to run
away and extract yourself from a sticky situation. Remember though, this will
likely only work the first time it is employed, so use this power wisely my
son!
Now we are down to the
last, and this is for desperate measures. How you employ my final gift is up to
you. It seems that one of you co-workers once talked about super sub-normals
and so forth. I also believe that there was some discussion about decreasing
the surface population. While Santa obviously can’t officially support that
position, let us just say that I am not completely against such thoughts. After
all, there is no Christmas in Iraq, no matter how bad Cartman wants it. This
next present is a gift for last resorts; its effects tend to be quite
permanent. Open the last present labeled N now. [Gun]There
isn’t much a handgun won’t solve. If things get too bad, and sometimes they do,
you can implement this fine gift in one of two ways. The first method involves
you pointing the hollow end at your sister while pulling the lever on the lower
part of the life removing implement. The second method involves you pointing
the hollow end at yourself while pulling the lever. Either way, your problem
will be solved, and I am unofficially happy to have removed a super sub-normal
from the gene pool.
Well Angelo, that’s all
I have for you this year. I’m sure it beats just getting some bacon like you
did last year, but what should a super sub-normal like you expect? I hope my
gifts to you come in handy and that you can find a suitable use for them. Have
a merry Christmas!
Santa