Ho Ho Ho, Mike, Merry Christmas!
Santa has been watching you this year, and he sees that your life is all about one thing:
Every move you make, every breath you take, every cake you bake, it's all about WOMEN. But, despite this great amount of focus, you don't seem to achieve much success. Santa feels for you, and wants to help. He thinks the difficulty might be that you're not attacking the problem in an organized way. You're not thinking with your brain, you're… well… Santa isn't going to finish that thought, or Santa might have to have a chat with Christine Moore about inappropriate comments in the workplace.
You need a plan, and Santa is here to provide one, so you don't have to think about it. The first step is to do some research.
OK, now that you've done your bookwork, it's time for some field research. To succeed with women, you must understand women – you must walk in their footsteps, get into their heads. These gifts will help with this assignment.
[Make-up, shoes, wig]
Still no success? Well, like any good plan, this one has contingencies. If you still can't find a date, here are several for you to audition. Merry Christmas, Good Luck, and Good Hunting!
[Finger puppets, latex gloves]